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I'm here but why.

Apparently work lifted the LJ ban. I wonder if I will come back here to post after being gone.

I've been going through things, things that I wish I had someone to talk to or a therapist to work things out with. Sadly tho, doesn't look like its gonna happen. I've called over 20 places and none are accepting new patients. I did get a new pen and paper journal to start writing in because I remember having one when I was in a past abusive relationship, and it helped. I've noticed that I'm not writing for me, I'm not going any deeper than whats surface tension already. Its the same filter that i feel on my life everyday, I just thought that I'd be able to get into the writing and honesty and stuff - getting whats in my head out. But its not working. I'm such a liar. I wish I knew who to trust, who to talk to and all that. It seemed easier before...now there is so much apprehension and fear...I should have more of this down by now.

And the holidays steadily approaching doesn't make it any better.


I miss livejournal. tribe and facebook just aren't as homey.
I miss my virtual online pack of people that I knew/Know down south.
poop. it wasn't a good week.

So yeah, got married.

All of the photos are in. We have not even tried looking at all the professional ones, but I'm still trying to find the ones where I'm providing xanax for the wedding organizer. However, here are some of the better representations of us on what some have told us is a very important day that we'll need therapy to get over for the rest of our lives. Just kidding. We love us.

I think in this one I'm attempting to make sure I'm wearing shoes...216
Mom thought freezing the chocolate would be a good idea, here I am demonstrating my molars of steel...106
Eric was so happy to see this guy, he even got his name wrong...DSC00686

Thanks so much for the talented guests who uploaded some of the best and funniest photos :)
I wish I could be more active here but work has decided that LiveJournal is the devil, while Facebook and Tribe are ok. Come find me on Facebook if ya want. Oh yeah - changed my name kinda. Well I did with the social security office, now apparently I got to tell other people.
So. You're told...


<p>My Indian name is <b>She-who-dances-in-the-stars</b>.<br /><a href="http://rumandmonkey.com/widgets/toys/namegen/11442/">Take English Native American Name Generator today!</a><br /><small>Created with <a href="http://rumandmonkey.com/">Rum and Monkey</a>'s <a href="http://rumandmonkey.com/widgets/toys/namegen/">Name Generator Generator</a>.</small></p>

What I did last weekend

Tomorrow, I will have been married one week.

So far married life has brought me/us:
    *more boxes that previously known could exist in our living room
    *a better relationship with our UPS driver - he likes the tortoise
    *many, many smiles from our Postal Carrier - he also likes the tortoise, but he shook my hand too :)
    *a tortoise who's patio enclosure is now a cardboard stonehenge that he can push around
    *a whole layer of leftover banana cake - tres yum...however, even after sending 1/2 home with friends, we still have about 1/2 to go
    *weight gain as I begin eating (and sleeping) like a normal human again (total weight lost from Wed to Sunday: 6 lbs for him, 3 for me)
    *1 lost pair of sunglasses, a runaway camera, an IPOD cord and our sanity
    *the need to once again clean out the garage

We yelled at each other last night over, um - cheese I think, or something - which i counted as our 1st argument. 
We high-5'd to mark the occasion. 

We haven't really even looked at most of the photos coming in yet, Thursday was my 1st day back after W-day...today it felt like Tuesday.  I shudder to think how tomorrow will feel.

You know what I love?

taking xanax before 9am. 

i had to leave a message and the initiation of it gave me an episode. 
i feel like a shitty person for wanting to connect when someone else doesn't want to.  i know life sucks pretty much all the way around me and i feel really bad for needing something from anyone usually and especially right now.

i want to go back home now.

update: maybe i should send flowers.

29 days and counting

Until the day that ate my life is here.

Or as my mom likes to call it - Our Wedding.

While I am sure (positive actually) that there are indeed many many many ways to go about the process of getting married, having a wedding and the hoopla related to it, but for us it seemed as if the only way to go was to make it as easy (read: annoying, frustrating and hard) and effortless (read: too many things and not enough time to do them) because the most important thing of this day as we've been reminded many many times is the end result and hopefully a good party.  As someone says: it's not the destination but the journey that kills.

Along the aforementioned journey  we've secured a marriage license (during which we had to take an oath - which neither of us were prepared for and for people like me, we really should practice this stuff 'cause when told to raise our right hands - Eric raised his right, I raised my left, we looked at each other and like Kevin Kline in 'A Fish Called Wanda', I proceeded to lower the left, raise the right, rinse repeat - the very nice and seriously amused women behind the plate of bullet proof glass started to giggle, then laugh, and as she told me to raise my 'other right hand', we swore that what we put on paper was the god's honest truth - but um, it wasn't.  For one, I have no idea where my dad was born, and apparently neither does his 1st and ex-wife, my mother - who I had to call to find out where *she* was born and then call Eric's mom only to find out that his dad's middle name is not what Eric has always thought that it was), a dress, a florist, his shoes and my shoes, the coolest DJ we could think of, some rings, what we think is pretty good food from a caterer we actually like hanging out with, pretty good wine and a tasty port and a good location with enough photo inspiration for my man, a china pattern we didn't register for but we like, a website (I collect websites like Eric collects shoes), dance classes and well you can only imagine the amount of stuff that a mother can accumulate in 9 months when her only daughter is getting married and she is retired.   And I've been helping Lisa (who's baking a tasty cake which totally surpassed our initial expectations) empty her garage of wedding supplies - between the two of us we could open a shop.

so yeah - 29 days and counting

*edit* this didn't get posted for some reason when it should have.

Stop my life.

I want to get off now.
At least I know that my body's ability to deal with stress and crap is getting better or I'm reaching a point of saturation that I just don't give a shit.

But in other news. 

Elaine came over and had lovely BBQ with the rest of the few locals we know and if I could get my camera to talk to my computer I could show you proof.   It was really cool to have them over, even tho it was pretty hell hot out I think we had a pretty good time.

I just spent $70 on a fairly ugly strapless bra thing.  The most plain piece of  underwear I own.  And for fun I ordered some chicken cutlets (aka boob cutlets) to try out cause they were on sale and they came in a cute box with a cute name and I'm a sucker for marketing gimmicks, so I figure that even at a loss, I can give them to Eric to play with when I'm not home.  win-win.

Now to find a hair place, get some rings, eat something!. 

And get my ribs popped back...one is killing me right now and jamming it up against the door frame didn't help it.  Its under my shoulder blade and i can't get under there to fix it.  I wonder if xanax would help or at least take my mind off it. 


Movies I've seen recently that I like and/or bought:  The Ten, Southland Tales, Wristcutters: A Love Story
Movies that you might want to see once: Tideland

Hilarious. And the deleted scenes are nearly as long as the movie. Must See: Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbors Wife.

  I liked this. Very strange movie - would have liked more commentary but one for my shelves.

The best love story ever to combine suicides, Tom Waits, a black hole and Russian rock music.

Disturbing.  MUST watch intro by Gilliam and remember to follow it - A very very interesting movie.

Friday Fiver - I've been remiss.

1. What's your weather?

actually, pretty damn nice. not too hot, not too cold. sunny. just the right amount of cotton candy fluff clouds floating at a very pleasing level just below the tips of mountains/hills. of course currently, i'm a little chilly sitting in my office, but that's pretty much the norm so it's a good day.

2. Where are you on your way to?

our mormon receptionist thinks i'm on the way to hell if i don't accept god or stop swearing or something. my mom thinks i'm on the road to maturity since i'm getting married. sometimes i think i'm driving myself crazy but usually i'm just another pre-occupied driver slightly weaving in and out of the lanes on the great highway of life.

3. Are you good with directions?

depends on the directions.
driving directions? yes, google maps is my friend.
baking/cooking directions? please, those are just suggestions.
arts/crafts/work directions? usually.
following directions? yeah but sometimes i get lost.

4. Do you know your neighbors?

define know.
we are aware we have neighbors if that's what you're asking.
actually, we know the people across from us. the italians. not sure of the names of the adults, but their 2-year old nicole is the cutest thing ever. she stalks us. her mom tells us she talks about us all the time and wants to know where we are. personally, it's the cat she really likes but he's terrified of her. we just come a close second as the people who live where the cat does.

5. What do you smell?

My perfume.

ps. i read the stupidest angel last night. a heartwarming tale of christmas terror, including zombies, sex, a fruit bat wearing sunglasses and a christmas miracle.